Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Important: New Location for Blog

To our faithful (and faithless) readers:

We have moved!

You can now find us at


Please update your links and bookmarks.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Bow before me, I am root.

I did it. Not only did I successfully install Linux-Mandrake onto my system, making it a dual-boot, but I also was able to get my cable modem connection working with USB network access. This may not mean much to the average computer user, but for someone who has, as of late, felt as though she had lost the right to have the Linux fish on the back of her car, it means a lot.

That's one of the things that I absolutely LOVE about Linux - it makes me think. It challenges my mind. There are two sides to me - the side that would love to be an English major, and the side that wants to be an uber-geek. The part of me that it satisfied using Windows, and the side that strives for more complexity - the part that made me install Linux.

As I clicked on the 'resize partition' button during the initial install, fear entered the pit of my stomach. "Please Wait," lingered on the screen, making me more nervous as each moment passed. But, in the end, all turned out well. It was difficult getting my internet connection to work, but I did it. Yes, I did it.

So, that being said, I shall now prepare myself for what I hope will be a restful night's sleep.

Bow before me - I am root.

Love is Love!

I remember several years ago, when my mother and I were discussing my "lesbian lifestyle", she said that I was with women because "It's easier." I still often think of that comment when I need a good laugh. It was apparent right then and there that my mother is not and never will be a lesbian. If she was, she would know that women are not easier! I've had my share of love relationships with both women and men, having had more experiences with women. I've had the pleasure of heart break, more than I'd like to remember. I've also had the pleasure of falling in love, which is one of life's greatest miracles. The act of falling in love is indescribable. It is joy and bliss delivered with an undying ache. You ache to hear the person's voice, to see their smile, to be near them. You ache to feel confident in the thought of them returning your feelings. You ache at the thought that it will not last, and you ache even more at the knowledge that it will change. You can remain in love over years, heck, over a lifetime. But, the act of falling in love fades and life eventually finds its groove. No matter what the situation; a man and woman, two men, two women, love is love. Being in a loving relationship brings kisses and snuggles and fights over the remote control. It brings dishes that pile in your sink and bills that long to be paid. It brings heartache over the unending pile of clothes that breed from within the laundry bin. It brings Sunday drives and soulful road trips. Being in a loving relationship means voices will be raised and tears will be wiped away. If you are lucky, it means that you will laugh when your partner passes gas while they sleep, and they will laugh as you chat with dream friends as you sleep. It means, as my mother also recently said, there will be moments when you can't look at your partner, but you know you will never leave them. I am here to set one thing straight; being with women is not easier! It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Regardless of the lessons I've learned and the new ways I try to evolve, it continues to be the hardest thing I will experience. It is hard because it is great. As Tom Hanks said in 'A League of Their Own', "If it wasn't hard everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great." He said that about playing baseball, but the same can be said for participating in the game of love. It is never easy! At it's best it is comfortable and forgiving and calming. It can be insightful and inspiring and funloving. Even when it is all those things, it is never easy. Regardless of its ease, though, it's always worth it!

Monday, January 31, 2005

Traditionally Speaking...

To stay true to form, I think it's most appropriate for me to write a bit about the pending Super Bowl. I'm hesitant to predict a winner, as my earlier prediction went up in flames. Although, I did pick the Philadelphia Eagles to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl at the beginning of the season. Ok, point 1 for Melissa. More profound to discuss is not a prediction, as it's half chance anyhow. But rather, the tradition of events this Sunday and the tradition of my religion that is called Football. Most of my family and friends skawk at my notion of Football being an analogy for life. If you really want more details to prove my point, feel free to gander through earlier blogs that illustrate this. But, take my word for it; Football really is the great life analogy. What I like most about it is the tradition that it carries. Many would be surprised to hear this as people seem to be under the false impression that I'm some raging liberal. I'm not! I tend to have rather liberal views when it comes to social issues and how we commence as a society. I feel that people should have choices, that love of many kinds should be encouraged, that we should worry more about feeding and sheltering people than lining the pockets of billionares. But regardless of those steady beliefs, I still believe in tradition. I believe in putting up my Christmas tree and decorations come mid December, regardless. I believe in Thanksgiving with my family, eating turkey and cheering on my doomed Lions. I believe in things that stand the test of time, of honoring things that actually have the energy to last. I love football as much for the tradition of the game as I do for the competition that it involves. I love waking up on Sunday mornings knowing that there is a game to be played. I love the angst I feel when attempting to put on just the exact outfit for cheering. A fan must be careful! Every decision has a consequence :) I love the butterflies in my belly, even though I'm miles away from the action on the football field. Somehow, I feel part of things. And once a year, during the Super Bowl, I feel even more a part of things. It always blows my easily amused mind to think of the millions of people watching the game. Friends in another state, family across the country, coworkers at parties with their friends; all of these people are watching the same thing I'm watching. That makes me feel nice. That makes me feel connected. More often than not these days, we tend to focus on the few people in the sports world that create negative energy. The player with an ego that wants to act out. The idiot fan in the stands that chooses to throw something at a player. Instead, we should be focusing on the tradition that is football in this country. It is a great tradition. It is time honored and it is strong! It's a tradition that carries immeasurable memories of friends and family, alike. So, come Sunday, I'll be secretly cheering for the Eagles as I have to root for the underdog. It's just a part of who I am. Regardless of the outcome, however, I'll be smiling to see that tradition lives on. Enjoy the chips, the dip and the catches. And beware of overexposed nipples!

Friday, January 28, 2005

Nobody's Perfect. Nobody Needs To Be!

I received a phone call from my Mother in Florida, yesterday evening. She provided the inevitable news that my Step Father's Aunt had passed away yesterday afternoon. This was not shocking news, as his Aunt had been ill for quite some time and we knew it was a matter of days, even weeks ago. I could sense the exhaustion in my Mother and even the hints of relief. When you sit and wait while people are slowly dying you grow tired and often a bit unaffected. Our family has been hit with tremendous loss over the past five or six years, losing two sets of grand parents, and two aunts. Loss is never easy! I spoke with my Mom for a few minutes then hung up the phone to make calls at her request. I finished up my dinner and then decided to take an evening bath. There is something about a bath tub that makes me reflective. When life and death events happen, I find myself reflecting on how I treat people in my life and how the people in my life treat me. I usually know I can do better, and I usually ask myself to expect less of others. But as I sat in my pleasantly warm bath water last night I realized the main reason I get myself locked out of my own life; I seek perfection. I seek it in others and most glaringly of all, I seek it in myself. As I rested in the warm water, I reflected on the stories that my family shares at gatherings about those who we have lost. Usually the stories are humorous and they are often touching. But, what I found interesting is that the stories are never about a perfect person. They are usually about the flaws that are endearing and the qualities that are humorous. Not only would life be boring if we were all perfect, but remembering the lives of other would be boring too! I have wonderful stories of my Grandmother, who was a very blunt and abrasive woman. She struggled with her prejudices and rarely ventured out of her own safe bubble of existence. But, she was who she was. She was generous and engaging and always entertaining. She was far from perfect, and that's just how it is meant to be. Instead of sitting in my own dirty water and picking myself apart, I've decided to wake up each day and be thankful for my imperfections. They make me who I am, and they will ensure that I am remembered for years to come!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Affects of the Daily Skater Girl

This is a blog entry of a personal nature. This is a blog entry about the affects of lesbian love on your favorite lesbian blogger. When Ms. Samantha came into my life, I knew she was a skater girl at heart. She dressed and acted like a California skater girl, and even listened to music that was outside the realm of my sugar coated pop existence. Back up! That isn't really fair to say, as I like more than popular music (actually, I really don't like popular music so much as I like 70's music and easy listening tunes). Regardless, I never fully comprehended the affects of the skater girl on my life. It wasn't just the Vans and the skater wardrobe that came into my life. More than anything, it has been the presence of Playstation 2 that has taken over my world. Samantha approached me about purchasing this item, which was more foreign to me than anything. She was able to entice me enough with sports influenced games like NBA Basketball and NFL Football. Anyone who knows me knows that I can be persuaded with the likes of the NFL or NBA. But, what I find most disturbing is that I find myself playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater more than anything else. Yes, that's right, Pro Skater. Somehow this Lesbian Skater girl from the valley has converted me into a Lesbian Skater girl from northern Michigan. Ouch that hurts! Not so long ago, Samantha said to me "See, now you like playing the skate boarding game." "Nah," I replied, "I don't like it as much as I'm addicted to it." I had to laugh at myself with that reply. How did I become a self imposed skater girl? Did my brain absorb the likes of Vans and Tony Hawk and become engaged? Did the Playstation 2 send off some type of skater girl juices that have pulled me into the madness? Will I ever be the same?
For a girl who knows more about the Detroit Lions and nature trails than anything else, spending my evenings with the likes of Tony Hawks is a bit disillusioning. More importantly, it's not just spending my time in this world, but looking forward to spending my time in this world. I guess as I get older, I realize that the real point of life is happiness. Sometimes I'm happy blogging on here, whether for myself or someone else. Sometimes I'm happy talking on my message boards with friends that I've spent a few years making. Sometimes I'm happiest in front of my TV cheering on my pathetic Lions. Sometimes I'm happiest walking on a trail with my dog leading the way. And sometimes I'm even happy sitting with our Playstation 2 joining the world of Tony Hawk as a part-time skater girl. What matters most is not that I'm a sometimes Lesbian skater girl from northern Michigan, but that I'm a happy one. Happiness is very fragile, and so I often prefer to be content over happy. We all know that happiness changes into sadness or loneliness or despair. But, if you wait long enough those things will turn right back into happiness. Anyways, I'm off to learn a new heel flip or a mctwist off the half pike. Happy trails to you...

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The Existence of the Soul

I made an earlier post on the blog about a book I was reading - Soul Prints by Marc Gafni. I finally finished reading the book yesterday and would definitely read it again.

Spirituality is one of my favorite subjects. I love to research different paths and religions, taking out bits and pieces from each one that resonate within me; wisdom that resonates within my soul. Which brings me to another thought - the soul.

Several months ago, I was studying Buddhism, specifically Zen Buddhism. From all the things I had read while studying Buddhism, I came to the conclusion that Buddhism doesn't believe in the existence of the soul. There is the thought, "What is mind?" There is the question, "From where do my thoughts come from?" I do not know the answer as I have not attained enlightenment, but my instinct would have always been to respond, "My thoughts, my feelings, they all come from my soul; my soul is who I really am."

As of late, I have been studying Judaism, which is actually how I found the book Soul Prints, by Marc Gafni. I was at the public library, thumbing through the shelves for something Jewish, and I saw the book, read the back cover, and found that it was written by a Rabbi. One of the things that 'led me' in the way of Judaism, (which is my heritage), was reading a book by an observant Jew who is also a Buddhist teacher. It's funny how sometimes on the journey of life, you take different paths, which lead to different streets, which then lead to different ideas. I usually believe that everything, well, most things, happen for a reason, and in retrospect, I can see how different choices set up different frameworks, if you will, for different discoveries - kind of like a building. And, the building that I am constructing is my own personal belief system. Some of the bricks are made of Buddhism, some of the landscaping is taken from earth-based paths, and some of the ornate design is now being taken from my ancestral path - Judaism. But, I digress. I question how I can utilize two different belief systems, one eastern, one western, two belief systems who have two opposing views on the existence of the soul.

As I am sure you can probably tell by now, I am quite the thinker. I tend to ask questions that don't necessarily have any 'correct' answer, and that need to and can be answered by only one person - that person being me. It would seem that one of humanity's basic needs, is to find purpose in this thing called life; a driving force or creed to make oneself feel fulfilled and complete. Does that need come from a soul? Does it come from the mind? Or does it come from the collective unconscious? Does that need even exist at all? Is there a soul? Is there a mind? Or are we just monkeys in some kid's science experiment, on another planet, in another galaxy? I came up with a saying when I was a typical Gen-X Angst 18 year old back in 1994:

I now understand that reality in its truest form, is only but a figment of my imagination.

I think I was pretty Zen even back then.

Oh, and to refer back to the beginning paragraph of this poorly structured writing, the book was awesome. I enjoyed it immensely. It emphasizes the need to live your own story, to find your own way, and to be the best person to others that you can be. For every opportunity to share with another, is an opportunity to exchange soul prints, and to make a difference in someone's life. I give it two thumbs up.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Trading Spouses and The Bachelorette.

I am posting from Melissa's computer to ask the question that has been on my mind as of late: What has become of my life?

Why do I ask this? Because I'm about to go watch reality TV - Trading Spouses on FOX, followed by The Bachelorette on ABC. Surely at one time, my brain had more engaging things to do than to watch such dreck. Oh well, the dreck is addicting and I hear the opening theme for Trading Spouses, so off I go.

Will hopefully update more later. No promises, just possibilities.